Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Reflection of a Gambler

Sometimes I’m not sure how much longer I can go through my current lifestyle - 14-hour, 16-hour, 18-hour days; 4-hr, 5-hr, 6-hr sleep with restlessness that wakes me up in early morning even when there’s finally a free morning to sleep in and rest.

So what has sustained me through this incredibly challenge-filled year?


Faith convicted by the Lord who’s shown me what it means to put oneself down and lift others up for the sake of love and love alone -- “We love because He first loved us”.

Though I’m in nowhere close to the perfection of such love, for each and every day I face the limitation of my physical strength and the failure of my mental will. Yet, the Lord has given me a picture and an ideal to pursue after, even if it means taking up my whole life to pursue yet not being able to fully achieve what He has set out for us.

Faith spurred on by others who also hold similar beliefs and convictions – not necessarily in the “definite” certainty of a better day tomorrow but the “possibility” of a better future for the generations to come.

In the end, we crazy idealists are not so different from addicted gamblers. We’ve turned all of our days and life into perhaps a gigantic gamble in life – a gamble that might cost not only our own youth, wealth, comfort, and life itself, but also the peace and well-being of those who are close to us and stand by our side as dear friends and families.

And just like any other gambler, if we are fortunate enough to see our ideals and pursuits realized, it could be the best thing ever happened not only to us but to those around us as well. But if we lose – well, we might lose it all.

The intriguing thing is, as much as gambling requires talents, and skills, and sometimes a “chance” beyond one’s control, our idealistic pursuits too require nothing less and nothing more. They too require us to have a certain skill sets, talents, visions, and courage as our initial capital to enter the game; yet whether or not the game turns toward our favor in the end, that is often left to nothing but a pure “chance” and a stroke of incredible good “luck” to decide.

But I’d like to think that I am actually betting my “chance” and stroke of good “luck” upon something much more solid and assuring than those for a regular gambler, for I believe that such a “chance” and “luck” is bestowed upon me by no one else but the Lord, IF and ONLY IF this indeed is the gamble that He’s called me to enter and to offer up my best.

So the question is – if He pretty much knows the result of such a gamble and has full control over it, why bother even calling me to go through the incredibly exciting yet sometimes immensely difficult and roller-coaster-ride-like process?

I don’t have the perfect answer to that, as daily I still wonder if He really is calling me to enter this frighteningly exciting yet challenging game. But one thing that has come clearer to me lately is that in the end, it’s really not about the result of the game itself – for He who’s set the game and the rules will carry out the result and determine the biggest winner of all eventually – but about the player involved.

In the end, the gamble is a like a process through which the player comes to realize who he/she is, what this game is all about, and making that constant decision to commit to the playing of the game till the very end.

For what? For the building of character and faith, hope and endurance. And for the refining of one’s visions and perspectives, the affirming and reaffirming of ideals and dreams.

Can I choose to determine the nature, the rules, and the outcome of the game? I’m afraid not. But can I choose to be faithful to the calling to such a game and the commitment to the playing of the game, as best as I can?

Yes I can.

The harvest is up for Him to reap but the labor is on me to bear. Till He reaps all the harvests and the treasures, I could only focus on being a faithful servant who says – Master, I’ve played a good game.

梅ちゃん at 2:57:00 AM