Tuesday, August 29, 2006

生病時的東想西想


Is it ok to play with your dog if you are sick? I'm sensing a bad cold and heavy fever coming ... Well, maybe Quan-quan would be happy about the fact that he could be relieved from the dull trick of sitting down and handing out his front paw even though all he wants is a bite of the biscuit.

I don't ever seem to sleep much except during my time at home. 反正天塌下來了還有老媽幫我撐著。Wish for once I could feel that way when I'm abroad, living alone. 在國外啥事總得自個兒來,生病當然不例外。抱著如此的憂患意識也就過了八年。八年,大半的青春喔 ~

Today a good friend of mine celebrated her xxth birthday. Somehow women start wondering about life and aging and the rest of life once the quater-of-a-century passes. Even though the borderline of 負け犬 has increased till the age of 30, some peculiar, worriesome thoughts begin to arise much earlier than that. 要不然 Ally McBeal 又怎麼能拍到第六季呢?

A friend of a friend passed away two days ago. Liver cancer, at the age of 35, one month to go from the point of discovery. What would I do if one day I wake up at the age of 35 and realize that I only have a month to go? What would I regret about? What would I continue to hope for? How would I spend that remaining month? Would I choose to spend it alone, or would I gather all my close and loved ones near me even though seeing them may bring even greater sadness?

Somehow I'm certain that there's one thing that I would be regretting about if put in the same circumstance - the silly confidence or expectation that life will go on for a long time and thus I've chosen to "wait" upon a lot of things to happen in future tense b/c I simply can afford to.

"I love that person and I want to be with him. But it's ok, we'll have many more years to go so it's better to build up myself first, focus on my career, enjoying my time alone as much as possible before that 'many more years' hit."

"I want to be able to finally write whatever that I want to write and write things that are influential to others. But it's ok, I still have many more years to come, so I should just focus on accumulating knowledge and experiences for the greater stories to come."

"I want to be able to help those who are poor, sick, in hunger or need of company. But hey, I'm merely a poor graduate student and what spare money do I have to give or what spare time do I have to offer? It's ok, I'll wait till I finish my degree, and then maybe I'll spend a year or two doing peace corps or community services. Or maybe I can wait till I retire and have all the time of the world to offer up myself."

"I want to have a family and experience what is it like to be a wife and a mother. But I better wait b/c a modern, new woman is supposed to know how to be alone, perform as well as men, and live as independently as possible. Having a family at an early age may hinder the chance of maturing as a fully independent woman."

Such are the thoughts that I've carried with me as I live each day, as if today is solely for the purpose of a greater tomorrow. Sure, there's nothing wrong with keeping our hopes and dreams high and building foundations so that they could be realized. But what if one day life ends before those dreams and hopes are realized? Am I sacrificing too much along the way only so that the future may be more beautiful than now?

Some people say we should live each day with the consciousness that there may not be tomorrow. But if we just go on doing what we want and desire at the moment, we fall into the trap of being short-sighted. A certain things are meant to be waited upon, yet a certain things are meant to be done and experienced now. Where is the balance?

梅ちゃん at 2:25:00 AM

1comments

1 Comments

at 8/31/06, 11:26 PM Anonymous dizn said...

Great thoughts here, mys... lots of difficult things to think about, the balance b/w living each day to the fullest and waiting on the things to come.

I'm not sure at all about dogs getting sick, but I don't know if viruses can pass easily between species! Hope you are well~!

 

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