Saturday, October 27, 2007
甚麼都沒有發生
人生有時候最難的，是度過那甚麼都沒有發生的一天。 特別是當那是個大雨小雨或綿綿細雨下個不停的一天。就是個甚麼都沒有發生的一天。起床、賴床、烤土司、倒牛奶、在電腦前check email, delete junk email, 思考著要寫甚麼、回甚麼信、然後甚麼都沒有寫、甚麼沒有回。因為要趕作業、要查ふりがな、要在快和指導老師的會面遲到的路上出著大汗地奔跑著。
有 meeting, 有要 impress 要 sound smart 要表現自己很精明能幹很專業的場合；有少許學術交流討論和腦力激盪。有表格要填寫要遞交，有辦公室要來來回回跑去交涉加雜事處理。有手機短訊要回，手機短訓要查，手機簡訊要寫；寫之餘還得選擇適當的笑臉或苦臉或驚奇臉的小圓圖片，否則對方可能不能憑文字訊息完全地瞭解我的心情、幽默和想法。
然後還要走路，要撐傘，並在走路撐傘之余胡亂地吞下代替中飯的飯團，往涉谷方向疾行而去。電影開演，坐在一群中老年日本歐吉桑當中，聽著戰後50年代那我不熟悉的官方日語，解釋著東京都廳設想的戰後二十年城市重建計劃。
電影結束要在便宜咖喱店填飽肚子、喝本日咖啡、寫日記、繼續查寫回手機短訊，然後繼續昨天沒看完的小說。
接著在公車上昏昏欲睡。在已經是秋天但不知為何還開著冷氣的公車裡無意識地顫抖著。
然後再看部電影，聽著一個我一點兒也不熟悉的雲南鄉下方言，掉下幾滴眼淚。
還算忙碌，但終究是個甚麼也沒有發生的一天。 像那種有著很多聲光效果、電腦動畫，及灑狗血情節的斥資電影。似乎讓人一時間目不暇給，無法喘息。但是當電影結束時，你走出電影院，和身旁的友人說: "I think something is missing ..."
就是沒有進到心裡，沒有被強烈感動到整個身體和心靈都要抖動飛舞起來的感覺。
人生，絕大多數的日子，不就是如此嗎？就像那些少了點甚麼，沒有辦法完全進入觀眾心底的電影。
然後一個大雨小雨或綿綿細雨下個不停的天氣 just doesn't make it better.
就如同看到這樣的電影預告片時我會不屑地拋下一句：「這種電影不看不拍也罷，浪費個甚麼金錢和精神！」，同理，這種人生，我想不過也罷。
儘管, life really isn't about a bed of roses each day.
Not possible, it seems like.
Just like most films remain to be those that are or imitate after trashy Hollywood production.
一定還有更重要更有意義的事情可以做，比如說，研究如何具體幫助非洲的難民，為森林大火而失去家園的人們禱告，思考論文內容，挖掘尚未被受重視的歷史資料與舊照片，釐清一簿子的亂帳，找到一個可以定期捐款的慈善單位等等 ...
... 等等。
然而，終究是個甚麼都沒有發生的一天。 毫無意義或不留任何重要痕跡地，我起床，然後睡覺。在這兩件事情的中間所流逝的時光，是一段有或沒有，都不會對這個世界或是周遭人群，或是自己長遠或短促的人生流程裡，產生任何意義的十幾個小時。
可是，人生終究是充滿著如此什麼都沒有發生的天。
Even though we think that it's not supposed to be this way.
There's gotta be something wrong, if more than half of my days go by as such.
我畢竟不是個在早上起床和晚上睡覺之間，若是只做到了多念了一些東西而得到自我知識領域面的增長，就可以感到充實、幸福、滿足、或是快樂的人。
因為，充實的不過是存在在這個軀體中的「我」，和這個世界、人群、我愛的人或是愛我的人，沒有任何關聯。我得到的知識再多，也不能給他們或這個世界帶來更多的快樂或是解決任何問題。當然，或許這些知識，在某些時候，確實能夠幫助我解決自己的問題。若是如此，對他人或是這個世界來說，或也是福。
Still, until that knowledge begins to make an impact on those around me, on the world in which they live - even in the slightest way - it is nothing but self-gain, self-fulfillment.
Even the grand, trashy Hollywood production could at least bring 2-3 hours of entertainment to people, as fleeing as it may be.
Still, something is missing, something incredibly important is missing:
The ability to move people, whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually.
Without such ability - everything else, 等同虛無。
Not the kind of life that I want, nor the prototype of the majority of the days that go by.
Now, what next? To where does this sense of awareness lead me?
梅ちゃん at 10:59:00 AM
無法聊天，很久了
有很久很久，我處在一個沒有辦法拿起電話就打電話給住在同一個城市裡的朋友，做天南地北式的聊天。有的時候是因為可以天南地北，無話不談的朋友並不和我住在同一個城市。有的時候是因為可以天南地北，無話不談的朋友住在離我的城市時間相差4到12小時不等的異國他鄉（儘管自己住的地方亦是異鄉）。
有的時候是因為曾經可以天南地北，無話不談的朋友，突然離開了我現住的城市。 有的時候是因為我自己離開那個城市。
有的時候是因為我居住的城市或國家，沒有為貧窮的研究生提供可以負擔得起的手機月租費服務。 有的時候是因為我居住的城市或國家的網路公司提供不良上網服務，以致於我幾乎無法使用MSN Messenger，或是用Skype聲訊不到一分鐘，電腦就會當機，或是訊號會每三秒就斷掉。
有的時候是因為我已經有手機而沒有錢或必要再辦一個室內家用電話，以致於其他同我一樣貧窮的研究生朋友們也不能打電話來，因有雙方破產之虞。
這個情況持續有很久，非常久了。從大學畢業在中國兩年到哈佛三年到現在日本東京三個月，情況一直沒有改善。Yes, from a so-called third-world developing country to a top-notch university back to the capital of a first-world nation. The situation remains.
情況如此長久地持續下來，我幾近忘了打電話聊天是甚麼意思。而我又不是個特別愛上網聊天的人。反正現在MSN也幾乎是上不去。
原因總結，有居住地電信與網路技術問題，有個人財力不濟之問題，有個人／他人移動過於頻繁或是他人定居一地而個人不斷搬家遷徙等等之因素。有識者或可將這個情況延伸解釋成資本主義市場機制下導致之社會底層生活困境，或將此視為後現代離散族群(diasporic community)之增長現象的又一佐證。
無論原因如何，或是有識者如何解釋，在現階段，沒有人能幫我改善這個情況。
But I have one conclusion, lately, that is - the world is NOT flat, and globalization in its name or progress, at least at this very moment, cannot make the world flat.
Perhaps it is only flat seen from the viewpoint of those who have the power and affluence to make it flat, seemingly accessible and reachable from whichever point of origin they are from, for their own sake.
For me, I continue to see much barrier・阻礙・かべ.
梅ちゃん at 2:59:00 AM
Monday, October 22, 2007
No Perfection, Just Human
Having completely left this blog for 2 months, it's almost more frightening to write a new entry than to continue to leave it deserted. But the Generals Exam has long been over and the mental self-confinement has too ended with the lifting of the burden of the exam, I guess this blog needs a new start as well.It's been 3 weeks since I came back to Tokyo. While long ago I thought all the inevitable physical transitions have been complete, I did not realize that the mental transition is yet to begin. It's not my first time living in Japan, but dealing with still a new environment, new group of people and hence a whole new world of culture, habits, and ways of thinking, it's just like starting all over again.
The other day I first learned how to buy movie tickets at convenient store after tediously filling out 7 pieces of paper with the same information written 7 times over.
The other day I first realized that after 6 pm, Tokyo Mitsubishi UFJ Bank charges me a $1 handling fee even at its OWN ATM machines (whereas the postal savings ATM closes at 5 pm, at least for the one closest to my house).
Each month I have to wait in a line of 20 people at the bank, for 30 minutes, in order to pay for my rent. No credit card except, no online payment heard of, and I've never seen or used a check in this country.
Yesterday the Internet provider replied back to me for the 3rd time, asking me to describe in GREATER detail what kind of connection problems I am encountering - "for instance, my dear customer, is it just too slow of a connection? or does the page not open up? or does it not connect at all? ..." and bla bla, and bla bla, and bla bla. Is it too much to ask to simply use hotmail, MSN, blogger, or log into Japan's own JR online ticketing system if I'm paying for the Internet service?
This morning I realized that all my Japanese email sent out of Apple Mail becomes unreadable, garbage language. Interestingly, only to those whose email addresses end with "ne.jp" or "co.jp" would my messages become garbage texts.
However, given the very decently affordable national health insurance system ($88 a year!), the extremely convenient house-delivery system, the awesome Tsutaya DVD/CD rental shops, the 100-yen shops, the first-rate customer service/care (even if their polite attitude couldn't get me too far in resolving the Internet issues that I have), the unbeatable public transportation system in this country, and all the good food, cheap eats, bustling beer houses, and explosive number of cultural and arts and film events and activities offered in this city, I'm still managing to survive here in this country, if not thriving well on some of the days.
A friend once told me to compile a list of all the pros and cons for all of the countries that I've lived in.
"And then what should I do with the list?" I asked.
"Well, maybe one day if you become the president of a country, then you can take a look at the list and then gather the best experiences/wisdom/design from each place to make your own country a greater place, while avoiding the pitfalls of each system, of course."
"How about if I just gather all the global travelers in one room and propose making a democratic state of our own and live happily ever after together as citizens of that state, given all the experiences that we've seen and gained along the way?" I suggested otherwise.
A laughable dream that will never be realized, for sure, b/c even in that fantasy world there's bound to be issues and problems and faults and pitfalls. The more I travel and move, the more I come to realize that, as long as there are gatherings of people and the development of a system, there's gotta be blindspots and issues b/c human beings simply aren't perfect.
But maybe that's the beauty of the human world, thought from a different angle. And maybe that, ultimately, is the reason why I continue to travel, and move, and complain, and get frustrated, and - in the meantime - continue to be amazed, awed, surprised, if not mesmerized by some of the differences and especially different ways of thinking that I encounter along the way.
At least now I've found a way to send out this blogger entry (rather than sitting in my room sending another complaint letter to the Internet provider), and it's much easier than going to Shibuya Apple Store and attempting to steal their free, wireless connection.
:D
Next stop - the bank, the convenient store, the district office, and the immigration office + 5 more forms to fill out.
梅ちゃん at 12:54:00 PM