Saturday, April 08, 2006



If you are in a game where you disagree with the rules of the game, do you choose to exit and find another game that may better fit your interest, or do you decide to stay and somehow arouse all the rest of the players to alter the rules of the game?

What if before you have the power to revolutionize the game rules, one day you wake up and realize, oops, you have already become one of them, playing the same old game according to the same old rules, same principles, never to challenge the real validity behind it anymore, simply going with the flow, staying in for the sake of staying in, pursuing after self glory and fame or a tenureship of security?


I'm utterly afraid.

Or the other side of the story might be, before you have the power to change the rule of thumbs of the game, you have been determined to be "unfit," "incapable," "not smart enough," disqualified or simply ostracized if not kicked out by the rest of the game players?

Who are they to decide the value of my personhood, as a human being who have just as many non-academic emotions, feelings, thoughts, fonding of things, interests, values, and beliefs as academic ones?

I am not a Harvard student. That is not my identity. I am not an intellectual graduate student, that too is not my identity. I am a human being, and despite my intellectual capability or how smart I may sound or write or appear to be, I remain living, legitimately, even if I don't write smart papers, make smart comments, sound like a snobby doctoral student, counter-argue or deconstruct other people's comments or heart-felt thoughts, tearing them down to nothingness in a course of a one-hour section, as if I have any right to really do so or understand a fraction of what others have put into their work.

This is not supposed to be a lego game where we can just build and rebuild a castle.

Where is respect, true respect? This is not supposed to be a game coined in the seemingly fabulous title of "intellectual discourse," "dialectic exercise," or "philosophical rethinking." B/c there's really isn't anything glorious or fabulous about this exercise. It's ugly, and it doesn't make sense to me. 不要再用美麗的言詞來包裝這虛假的遊戲。

沒有真理?If anything and everything may be argued, counter-argued, constructed, deconstructed, and reconstructed, what is left behind is nothing but broken pieces without coherency. Are we really approaching the truth or just becoming farther and farther away from it?

There is no truth? Then how am I even supposed to live my life, to even wake up in the morning and make my very first decision of the day? Upon what principles shall I guide my actions, interact with people, treat others with decency instead of shattering them into pieces? Should I even try to greet other people, let the elderly take my seat, close the door behind me gently, or observe any office/school policies? Anything may be challenged right? So why not start with challenging the rules of games in this academic institute?

Wait, am I ready to be a martyr?

A group of prospective students just walked by. They are on a tour, and I know what they are all thinking: wow, what an opportunity to study in one of the most prestigious universities in the world! "Just hold on a sec," I wanna tell them. "Just don't get swept away by the fame and let it take mastership of your life."

But I know they wouldn't understand, till they too have become participants of the game.


梅ちゃん at 3:54:00 AM



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