Thursday, March 05, 2009

Cease, cease all Q's

I suppose one can not - and should not - look back to the past and ask the question, how life could have been different or might have turned out if one had decided to stay or not to leave. Because at the end of the day, the very present place and state of mind where one finds him/herself in is, in every way, shaped and determined by the core of that question - the fact is, one has left and decided not to stay and to move on to something different.

So though nostalgia is inevitable, one can only mentally lives through nostalgia but not physically. 'Cuz physically, it would no longer be nostalgia but reality.

And the reality, again, has forever been changed by that decision to leave, to not stay, and to go on to the next stage or take that next step towards a different state of being life.

For whatever there is to lose, there must be something to gain. I've lost a past but have gained the present - for better or for worse - which then will lead to a future, for better or for worse. A different future, of course, than a future that "could have" been had I chosen otherwise. But then, had I decided not to leave, would life not become forever living in the past as the present would not differ much from the old and the familiar and thus, ultimately, look no more than just a more current version of the past?

"Nomad Philosophizing" - Where is "the next" going to be? And when? she asks.

Or perhaps a true nomad would simply cease all questions and simply be. Because the present is already in constant flux, and such flux has already, in some ways, determined the future.

But she can't stop, cannot cease asking. With an incontrollable urge to keep asking and keep searching, she uncontrollably takes off and leave.

The future is already embedded in the present, she tells herself, so rest in peace, my soul, and cease all questions, at least for awhile.

Trying.

Trying hard.

Trying really really hard.

At least for awhile.

梅ちゃん at 3:04:00 AM

1comments

1 Comments

at 3/10/09, 11:18 AM Blogger yu-ming shaw said...

you sounded like a Buddhist: the future will be decided by the present and the presend was decided by the past. I don't know how to accept this theory of predestination. It's also calvinist theory. Am I right?

ymshaw

 

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