Sunday, December 31, 2006
用力的過完
2006年的最後一天，我要用力的活，即使是在令人不知不覺就開始敗起家來的紐約。這個城市的繁華與絢麗總讓人措手不及，好似自己必須得多整理一下衣服的下擺、仔細留意一下嘴上的粉彩是否已被適才的一杯咖啡抹開的情況下才能夠成為這繁華與絢麗的一員。
然而，如此的繁華與絢麗是建築在多少底層移民（無論非法或合法居留）人口中的勞動上？我不曉得自己是否準備好聽到真正的答案。
我和紐約曾經非常近距離地擦身而過。沒幸成為 New Yorker 的一員，卻選擇在此過完2006年的最後一天。
2007年感覺遙不可及（儘管它在21個小時內就要來到），因為我無法預測神又會將何人帶入我的生命，讓何事提前離開。過完了2006年若是我什麼都沒有學到的話，至少有一件事情是篤定的：我有很努力地活著。
所以也要很用力地將這最後一天過完。
I'm not going to make any new year's wishes. I'm just going to pray.
梅ちゃん at 4:24:00 PM
Saturday, December 30, 2006
民主選擇的不安
My first article published on a mainstream newspaper's literary page!See below or the following link:
http://www.worldjournal.com/wj-books_news.php?nt_seq_id=1465533&ct=86&page=1
<民主選擇的不安 -- 龍應台哈佛演講後有感>
本月四日，龍應台女士在哈佛費正清東亞研究中心給了一場名為「被孤立，被包圍，被邊緣化卻又極端重要的台灣———台灣民主實驗對華文世界的影響」的演講。演講雖已經過了，當天的激情與喝采或漸退去，網路上一場兩岸讀者間的論辯卻才剛開始。身為當日的現場聽者之一，令筆者感觸最多的是答辯時間當中所反應的一種深層的「不安」與「誤解」。
答辯時間提問的第一位女士首先提出台灣「邊緣化」的問題。
龍應台答道：「對我而言，台灣並沒有邊緣化的問題。在世界各地我們都看得到台灣人的身影、念書的留學生與觀光的遊客。如您所說，台灣的經濟成果或人民生產毛額等數據也充分顯示了台灣的分量，沒有人將它排擠在外。」
接著她又問龍應台對於「祖國」的定義與看法：「從最近幾篇您的文章中我感覺到您對於『祖國』的這個概念似乎開始產生變化。我想知道您是否仍將『中國』（China） 視為您的祖國？」
龍應台很快地做了簡要的答覆：台灣人民———無論大陸官方立場如何———從來就不曾（未來也不會）將台灣看做僅僅是中國的一個省分。至於第二部分關於「祖國」的問題，龍應台的回答更是再清楚不過：
「我對『祖國』的看法和定義從來沒有改變。對我而言，『中國』代表的是我的文化、我的傳統。在這一點上它永遠是我的祖國。然而，若將『中國』以一個『政權』或『國家』（state）的形式定義———也就是現今的『中華人民共和國』———我的答案很清楚：它，不是我的『祖國』。」
「現今的中國大陸政府是一個不尊重公民權也不能保障我基本人權的政府。對於這樣的一個政府，這樣一個其核心價值我不能認同的政府，我不想和它有任何的瓜葛。」龍應台清楚地表達了她的立場。
緊接而來的是另一位大陸學人以相當流利的英語和學術敏銳性提問，這位男士首先批評龍應台在〈你不能不知道的台灣〉一文中僅僅提到台灣民主經驗中的光明面，而有意掩飾同時產生的族群衝突、政治鬥爭或是民族認同感分歧等各方面的黑暗面。
「所以您的問題是？」龍應台問。
「我的問題是，身為一個作家、一位政治評論家，你不認為你有義務將『真理』完整地表達給你的讀者而不是偏執於其中一面？你不認為你一面倒地描述台灣民主制度的良好然後要求中國去完全接受這個不完美的制度是不負責任的嗎？」該人士更犀利地質問。
接下來的十分鐘則是以兩人間的舌槍唇劍進行。
「身為一個作家、評論家，我的責任是指出還沒有被看到的部分、提供一個全新的視野，而不是那些已經被看到、已經被聽到的東西。身為一個作家，我的職責僅僅在於告訴大陸人民：『民主』不是一個空洞的口號或一個主義，而是一個實在的『生活態度』。至於中國政府要如何擷取我的意見將『民主』實踐化，那是政治家的職責，胡主席幕僚的工作。」龍回答。
「那就是問題所在———政治家的工作是『治理』，你的工作是『寫作』；你需要考慮的僅僅是讀者，而政治家需要考慮的是『選票』⋯⋯」提問人接著回應。
「胡先生需要『選票』嗎？」龍應台馬上切入。
全場哄堂大笑。
「我的職責是寫作、是批評。胡先生不同意我的觀點他可以向我做出回應，而不是勒令一份刊物停刊。」龍應台緊接著說。
「身為一個作家，我深深地認知到，我再怎麼批判，筆鋒的力量終究是有限的。」在幾番你來我往的答辯後，龍應台最後意味深長地說了這麼一句話，結束了當天的演說。
走出演講廳趕著去上下一堂課的我，心卻有些沉重。
或許第一位提問的女士，她真正想問的是：「龍女士，我們認知到也很同情您所提到台灣『邊緣化』的問題。然而，若是我們容許台灣發展其國際空間甚或在聯合國中占一席之地，當明天廣州、深圳、甘肅或任何一個省分或城市要求自成一國、自立政權時，我們該如何面對？如何回應？」
或許在那咄咄逼人的態度背後，那位男士有的只是一份對中國未來走向民主化道路的焦慮不安；或許在那連發地為中國領導人辯護的最終，他想問的也不過是：「萬一中國民主化的結果是產生像台灣當今種種的亂象或政治鬥爭，我們是否有能力承受？我們的日子是否會真的過得比以前好？」
當曾經目睹過的「亂象」不僅僅是看著政客評論家們在晚上九點、十點或十一點鐘的有線電視台上公開對罵或是拳頭揮舞；當曾經經歷過的「鬥爭」是階級的，是超過個人所作所為而受到自身父母曾為佃農地主或國民黨官員的「不良」背景影響的時候；當曾經親身參與過的「革命」是對一個文化傳統的徹底破壞，對寺廟古佛的爛打亂砸、古書古字畫的撕毀燒盡，是當夫妻不再執子之手、與子偕老，而親子不再共享天倫之樂時———我很可以體會那兩位大陸學人為何會不斷地置疑並持續地不安。
然而，我也想對他們說：當國家走向民主的道路，當基本人權受到保障、言論自由可以充分發揮的時候，「亂象」再亂或許也不過是每晚被超過個位數的電視媒體群轟炸到不行；「鬥爭」再激烈也不過是幾輪高層政客的大風吹；而「革命」聲勢再浩大或許也就是在一條大道上聲嘶力竭地呼喊了口號、靜坐過了或是睡了數個帳棚夜後，能在回家的路上幫家中老小買幾個紀念品做為該次使用公民參與權的最佳見證。更重要的是，當一個人從未在一塊土地上生長，從未在該社區的學校裡受教育，從未向該地的政府繳交過一分稅，也因此從未享受過該政府提供的人權保障或社會福利時，那個人是不需要將那塊土地視為「祖國」的。
但那並不代表那個人不能和當地的人說同一種語言、閱讀並愛上同一本小說、一起享用大火爆炒的蒜茸空心菜、或一同欣賞一齣由《牡丹亭》或《紅樓夢》改編的話劇或電視連續劇。那個人甚至可以和當地人談談他們雙方父母以及祖父母共通的語言、喜歡的小說、百嘗不膩的那幾道菜、百看不厭的那幾齣戲。
那是我在美國和本地的華裔第二代、第三代每天會做的事。問到他們是哪裡人，他們永遠會說「美國人」（若不是「洛杉磯人」或「德州人」）。他們問我從哪裡來，我永遠會說是「台灣」。但是當同時問到我們的族群背景（ethnicity）時，我們會不約而同地回答：「中國人／華人」。
如果兩位提問人士還是不相信的話， 他們可以親自問問台灣人民：在過去集權統治的年代，以及必須每天忍受各種選舉亂象外加媒體疲勞轟炸的現今，他們寧可選擇何者？
當然，這個選擇是很難的。梁啟超在一九○三年首次訪美時曾在和西方世界比較之後認知到中國人的劣根性並感歎：
夫自由云，立黨云，共和云，是多數政體之總稱也。而中國之多數大多數最大多數，如是如是。故吾今若採多數政體，是無異於自殺其國也。自由云，立黨云，共和云，如冬之葛，如夏之裘，美非不美，其如於我不適何。吾今其毋眩空華，吾今其勿圓好夢。一言以蔽之，則今日中國國民，只可以受專制，不可以享自由。吾祝吾禱，吾謳吾思，吾惟祝禱謳思我國得如管子、商君、來喀瓦士、克林威爾其人者生於今日，雷厲風行，以鐵以火，陶冶鍛鍊吾國民二十年三十年乃至五十年，夫然後與之讀盧梭之書，夫然後與之談華盛頓之事。
這個選擇的困難，梁啟超在一百年前早已深深體會。
然而，我相信當天提問的兩位年輕大陸學人早已讀過盧梭的書或在課堂上討論過華盛頓的事（起碼在哈佛的學術殿堂裡）。那麼在專制與自由之間，他們願意選擇何者？
當然，我們是民主國家的國民，我們必須要尊重他們的選擇，無論那個選擇為何。我們想做或是能做的，不過是在他們選擇之際提供一點過來人的建議罷了。龍應台的演講不也就是為此而作的嗎？
- 世界日報副刊 (12/29/2006)
梅ちゃん at 4:41:00 PM
Friday, December 29, 2006
爆笑過後
好友在MSN上看到我鬱鬱寡歡的樣子很是不忍，就將「酪梨壽司的日記」的網址給我。原來自認為「負け犬」同時又為此深感自豪的不只我一個。
雖然我是要再過三年才能有幸進昇為「負け犬」之一員。Well, that is 如果硬是要以日文原書「年過三十」的定義去計算而非舊有的「二十五日的聖誕蛋糕」之標準衡量的話。
剛從演完一場荒謬至極之鬧劇中走出的我還有些驚魂未定。從未報名要試鏡，又在無端被採用之後卻在從未被好好上過妝、造過型的情況下怎地就成了這場謬劇的主角？結果還一度忘我地演出？
這不是鬧劇是什麼？
不過被壽司小姐精湛的文筆惹得一陣狂笑（那種笑到眼淚止不住、肚疼到不行的狀態）之後，奇怪，也就不那麼驚魂了。
不過就是碰到了個極端自戀（＝自私？）的傢伙嗎？這樣的對手戲，誰演得下去嘛。
下回，給我個成熟一點的對手和劇本吧。這樣的鬧劇，夠了。
梅ちゃん at 5:38:00 PM
Serendipity - Cancun 雑感 I
No, I'm not talking about the movie though I like it a lot. I'm talking about the first half-day encounter after my plane landed in Cancun.Never have I seen travel to a beach vacation spot requires SO MUCH luggage. What are you thinking? Shipping over their entire golf set or beach wear plus diving equipment? Are they set for camping out here for a month? Or maybe that's just how rich men travel to a very rich-men populated vacation spot like Cancun?
Seriously, I'm talking about mega-size suitcases, the ones that I use only when I fly across the entire Pacific Ocean to go home for the summer (or when moving to relocate).
That, reminded me of the chaos in Boston Logan airport 7 hours ago as I was lining up behind a mile-long disarray of sleep-deprived travelers, suitcases, canvases, sky/golf sets, disgruntled mom's and crying babies, overweight and duck-tapped cardboard boxes of who-knows-what's-inside. I did a quick mental surveillance of the entire int'l check-in area -- 9/10 people are Asians. The remaining 1/10 is either a Caucasian husband traveling with his Asian wife or their kids who are half.
I wanted to cry. I know exactly where they were going. United Airline flight departing at 6/6:30 am; where can they go but Chicago, LA, Detroit if not SFO? All of them are eventually bound for Narita, Japan and then off to Shanghai, Beijing, Seoul, Taipei, Singapore, HK, or Bangkok on a smaller plane. I know exactly what their travel itinerary is and exactly the transit route and security fuss that they'd have to go through after 10 or 12 hours of airtime when they arrive in Narita.
I missed the 630-yen udon soup in Narita transit lounge. Far from being the best I'd say, but good enough for a tired soul. Plus, you get to pick up a box of beautifully wrapped おみやげ home. What would they have these days? どら焼き with a picture of ドラえもん dressed up like a blue Santa singing Christmas carols in カタカナ with his friends?
Or a box of Pocky that prints "季節限定" on the cover.
All I wanted is to go home. I wanted to hug all of them and say: "我的同胞們~ You are lucky that you are going home today."
死ぬほど家に帰りたかった、本当。家に帰られないから、死ぬほど泣きそうになった。Maybe the "Purchase Ticket Here" counter serves precisely for people like me.
When the last two pieces of giant suitcases went merry-go-around on the luggage belt for the longest time until the carousel finally came to a halt, I knew that I'd check into my hostel with nothing but my carry-on bag tonight.
"This is why United should never have only 4 counters open for international flights when there are mountain-load of luggage to transport," I sighed.
Not far from me, another passenger was wandering around the baggage claim area like me. "Another victim of United baggage claim service," I thought. For 10 mins, United representative was enjoying his/her no-show.
"You were on the United 1697 flight?" Finally I asked, hoping to seek company during the boring wait.
"Yes."
"Where did you fly in from before DC? I flew in from ..."
"Boston Logan Airport."
We laughed, a laugh of relief. Whew ... At least we don't need to file a report for stolen luggage.
"There's only one flight a day from DC, ma'am," the representative told me, tearing off my baggage claim sticker from the boarding pass envelop. "The earliest that it may arrive will be tomorrow noon. If it does get on the next flight, that is."
Sir, do you know that it's 90 degrees out there and I'm wrapped in thick jeans, a turtleneck sweater plus having a winter jacket and a scarf in hand? And I'd already put on my only pair of spare contact lens at DC during transit?
I need to see that seawater and to confirm its turquoise color RIGHT NOW. Otherwise I'm going to regret this whole trip.
Thankfully, the seawater indeed is turquoise - surreally turquoise - and there are even a few palm trees swaying here and there on the beach. And 2 hours later, I was sipping my 2nd glass of lemon margarita and filling up my stomach with a plate of pork sausage taco at an outdoor cafe.
"You look very tired," the waiter commented as I sat down after an hour of shopping in order to undress all the heavy winter clothes on me.
"Whew ... Yes, indeed. I just arrived and it's been quite a trip," I told him. A simple sentence is too short to cover the story that I'd gotten no sleep the night before and had to change into a newly purchased summer outfit in a shabby changing room (with a broken lock!) just minutes ago.
"It's been raining for 2 weeks straight, ma'am. Today we see the sun for the first time. You are very lucky," the waiter told me, a short, plump guy with a huge, grandpa-like smile on his face. He spoke very good English.
Lost in my own thoughts on whether or not such luck would continue on throughout the rest of the trip, from the corner of my eyes I spotted yet another wandering soul walking down the street towards the cafe.
Wait, isn't he that same guy at the airport? Victim no. 2 of United Baggage Claim service?
He was equally in shock to spot me too. Among all times, all places, all the unexpected travel turmoil, we ran into each other again. I picked one of the most local streets by the grand avenue for a quick snack. He, too, picked one of the most local streets of all to walk down in search for Hertz rental office.
"This is worth celebrating," he said, toasting for our serendipitous encounter with his Corona Extra bottle and I with my margarita glass.
"So, where are you from?"
"Qingdao, China. Now goes to school at MIT."
「哎喲，那我們講中文就好了嘛！早知道 ...」我說。還在機場雞同鴨講了一番。
「咦，原來你會說中文啊？我還以為你是在美國長大的呢。」
「沒，在台灣長大的，後來才到美國。」
看來我早已沒有台灣味了。
「我在 Sloan 念書，第二年。」
「啊，那你認識 A 嗎？土耳其來的。」
「認識認識。第一年我們還是同個 section 的。和他還一起抽過他的 water pipe ...」他大笑。
「那他的 roommate ...?」
「也認識啊，去年在他的 ... 嗯，好像是生日 party 上認識的。他現在不是在 study ... 」
I had intended to get away from Boston, as far as I can, so that I would be subject to the shackles of the past no more, at least for a little while. Cancun was chosen not out of any particular reason but simply for the affordability of airfare (compared to any other Caribbean destinations), for a simple desire for warmth, for a difference, and for a vacation blast that is so unlike any others that it may "undo" some of the hurt inside.
「世界真小，沒想到在這種地方還能碰到彼此都認識的人，」他說。
是啊，我想說。碰到這種突乎其來的巧合應該是要很高興的，不是嗎？
可是，喝完了最後一口瑪格麗特的我，心情開始鬱卒起來。
梅ちゃん at 6:05:00 AM
誰でもいつか、幸せになれる
「願いは誰でも ひとつは叶うよ無理に答えを出しては 灯した火を消さないように」
ふと懐かしいメロディ 行き交う人の群れに
立ち尽くした 何をしているのだろう？
幼い頃描いた 果てしない夢のカケラ
守ってますか？ 胸を張っていますか？
君の書いた言葉が 突然 胸をよぎるよ
「未来は無限に広がる」
逢いたくて 泣き出しそう
どれだけ精一杯 手を伸ばしてても
届かないものもあると 教えられたけど
「願いは誰でも ひとつは叶うよ
無理に答えを出しては 灯した火を消さないように」
思いがけず出逢った オフィス街駆け足で
照れ笑いした 何を話せばいいの?
逢いたかったなんて 絶対言わないんだ
ただ悔しくて それより嬉しくて
いつまでこのまま こんな風にふたり
遠く映えるオレンジを 見つめられるだろう
無邪気な瞳と 変わらぬ強さを
やわらかな風の中で ずっと感じていられるように
街の灯りが 消えてゆく空に
恋人たちは今 シュプールを描く
誰でもいつかは 幸せになれるよね
つないだ手を離さずに 笑顔忘れずに
願えば誰でも いつかまた飛べるよ
無理に答え出さないで 灯した火を消さないように
-- 光永亮太 ＜Always＞
梅ちゃん at 5:45:00 AM
Thursday, December 28, 2006
A Homeless One
"I have 2.5 hours before the sun goes down," I said."2.5 hours? What?" D said, on the other end of the phone line.
"Yup, it's 1:30 pm now. The sun is going to set at 4."
"So ... What are you going to do today?" D asked.
"I don't know ... But I do know that I need to get out of this house," I answered, jumping out of my bed. Gosh, I'm still in my PJ.
For some reason, browsing through the ghetto Japanese video tape cases each covered with a thin sheid of dirty plastic wrap was the only highlight of the day. Reading the description, getting a taste of the story line, or seeing the front picture with a Tokyo tower in sight or a shinkansen train track in the foreground somehow provided a strange feel of solace, first time in 2 days.
「じゃ、一週間でよろしいでしょうか？」
「一週間はどのくらいかかるんですか？」
「一週間だったら、一本２ドルです。」
「はい、じゃそうします。」
Why does the cashier lady think that I was Japanese? Why did I proceed to pretend to be one?
And why does being someone not of her own more comforting? Why does listening to or speaking a language not of my own and not entirely in perfection the only channel of escape at this point?
I want to get away from this place, as far as I can, to a place where no more memories of pain could haunt me, every darn waking hour of the day.
They are right in my face, staring at me and refusing to let go.
To go or not to go, that is the question. But I need to figure it out fast.
Fast.
5:14 am. If only I were in Taipei or Tokyo, I'd put on my jacket and walk 5 mins down the road to the nearest convenient store, whether being 7-11, Lawson, Circle K or Family Mart. I would push open that glass door, be greeted with a spirited "歡迎光臨" or "いらっしゃいませ," and walk to the magazine section. I would pick out anything on the rack - be it one that gives you the full listing of special TV programs on New Year's Eve, one that introduces the latest wine lounges in town or hotspring restaurants, or one that prints beautiful mid-winter shades of fashion all over the page.
Or I would hop on the taxi and go to the 24-hour 敦化南路誠品, or even put on my tennis shoes and attempt to go for a run at 大安森林公園. Or, I can just collapse in front of TV and waste another hour or two on 電視冠軍 or a re-run of 全民大悶鍋。Or, I'll just go to 松屋 and get a bowl of 牛丼.
Then, I would feel much better, much much better.
Home is being missed dearly these days.
Since when has our ability to go home become dependent upon the seat capacity of mainstream airline companies? Why do they determine my life?
Or why did I allow you to determine my life, to make this holiday season a homeless one?
Oh, that's right. 'Cuz my heart was put out ...
I see.
梅ちゃん at 7:02:00 PM
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Nobody Wants Naathing but ...
Back from a weeklong sun bathing in Cancun last night.Downpour of cold, winter rain awaited me at the doorstep of United baggage claim area. "Great," I let out a long sigh, "now back to the frosty beantown with no white Christmas in sight," watching my own breath turning into millions of white, visible cloud-like particles, dancing in the rain.
The airport was so empty. The silver line had more than enough seats for me to claim the entire back area my own, and it zoomed by all of the 5 stops in less than 15 mins.
Never, ever have I seen the silver line being this efficient and running so on time.
When the T hit Central Square, all of a sudden the recorded announcement spoke: "This is the last stop of the line. Thank you for riding the T." The lone guy in the train compartment sitting across from me and I exchanged a puzzled look.
Guess the T conductor too wants to go home and catch the tail end of Christmas Day. I don't blame her.
As if the rain itself wasn't enough of a grand welcoming for me, the next thing I found at the doorstep of my front porch was that my keys were no where to be found.
Camping out on Christmas Day? This would definitely set the record.
Should've expected that something was bound to go wrong during that one-day delayed arrival of my bag in Cancun. Since when do airport security officers regard a set of keys as hazardous materials prohibited in the luggage compartment? Or at least they should remember to zip up the front pocket after a thorough search?
Why would anyone choose to take the keys and forego two bottles of tequila in the bag? Not a tequila fan?
And why do I continue to fly the United friendly sky after all these years of progressively worsening services?
"Well, for now, think about the sunny days in Cancun as you're sitting on the porch waiting for your friends to come pick you up," my landlady comforted me on the other end of the phone line when both of us realized that the spare key failed to do its prime job b/c of an accidental lock of the top bolt.
Ok, think Cancun.
Sunshine ... palm trees ... the pristine, turquoise-looking ocean water ...
I am seeing more funny, cloud-like particles now twirling all over the place in the air.
Focus, focus, *ahem* ... Yes, crispy tortilla chips dipped in fresh salsa dressing ... all-day happy hours for lemon margaritas and strawberry daiquiris, 2 for 1 ... the soft touch of the warm, fine sand enveloping all my toes and ankles ... the "no naathing" phrase repeatedly used by the funny Mexican day-trip guide ...
"nobody checks naathing," "nobody buys naathing," "nobody loses naathing, folks" ...
"Nobody wants naathing but a cozy Christmas Day drenched in the warm presence of friends & families, señor," I thought to myself, sitting on the top steps of my front porch, drenched in fatigue.
12:30 am, my watch reminded me. The rain continued to fall.
Well, at least it's no longer the tail end of Christmas Day but the beginning of another regular day right?
ただいま！
あれ、「おかえり」は？聞こえないわー
梅ちゃん at 10:58:00 AM
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
出走
再過一個半小時，我和我的包包要遠行。離開這個寒帶氣候，出走到溫暖的沙灘上。
Merry Christmas everyone! May the presence of the Lord and the loved ones be with you all.
梅ちゃん at 4:13:00 PM
Monday, December 18, 2006
Finish Strong
Last day, finish strong.梅ちゃん at 11:07:00 PM
過去的聲音
在厚厚一本ＣＤ夾中尋找去年友人為大家燒製的 Christmas carols 時翻到了一片沒有標示的無名CD。原以為要不是在韓國某跳蚤市場上買的 Jazz 或是 Bossa Nova collection，就是大二那年在上海的 teammate 們錄製的一首自編自唱的「洗手間」專輯 (you know, college kids ...)。一放才知道，不是的，都不是的。是那片陪我走過大三在京都長距離那段日子和心情的旋律。是因為當時比較天真所以對未來永遠充滿自信、永遠相信浪漫主義，還是現在我的只是過於 jaded?
Darn it ... Told you not to mess up with me. I told you that if you don't mean it, get away from me and don't come to mess around with my heart.
I told you so. 我那天在湖邊的眼淚是白掉的嗎？你太掉以輕心了。
只想窩在床上痛哭一場。可是連那個想法都讓我感到沮喪。好像不過是看著發黃的電影片段一次一次地被重覆播放。更可怕地是那個女主角就是我。
一天，一位朋友狠了心，將自己過去三年的三百多篇 blog entries 全數刪除。後來在自己的電腦存檔中找來找去終於救回兩百多篇，但仍有許多珍貴的文稿就此消失。聽到她的描述我不勝惋惜，因為她的文章寫得是那麼的好，有些也記碌了我們在橫濱的那年暑假。然而，當下的我是多麼希望自己也能如此就將一些回憶就此抹去。
只要輕輕地按一個鍵，再輕輕地點一下 "confirm" 就行了。
乾乾淨淨。
然後，重新開始。
I told you not to mess up with me. Why didn't you listen?
還是去窩在床上痛哭一場好了，起碼在我想到更好可以停止哀傷的方案之前。
梅ちゃん at 5:08:00 AM
Saturday, December 16, 2006
地平線般的悲傷
昨晚睡前和在西岸某山上滑雪的前男友打了通電話。沒有特別的原因，不過就是處在一個被亂的像毛線球般的思緒壓搾到極端疲憊卻又無法入眠的狀態。今早是在一個夢境般的情境下醒來。偶爾會在家過夜的房東太太一如反常地沒有在客聽裡東摸摸西摸摸，製造各種有趣的聲音。聽不到房門外任何一點她的聲響，也聽不到一牆之隔的院子裡鄰居或小鳥或修外牆工人們的談話聲，有五分鐘，世界進入了真空狀態，剩下的只是無止盡的寂靜。
無止無盡。
看著透過白色百葉窗板落進的白色光線，我喃喃自語：外面是不是下雪了？
總之不是個陽光燦爛的日子。
後來手機的鬧鐘鈴聲響了，一瞬間，我機動式地跳下床，展開一連串每天必須要做或再也不去仔細考慮為何要做或自己想做不想做等之例行公事。刷牙、洗臉、在臉頰上塗上一層薄薄的乳液。更衣、梳理頭髮、再在嘴唇上塗上一層淡淡的豆蔻色、在眼皮上刷上淡淡的淺咖啡。然後，在鏡子前，行動停止。
我到底在幹嘛？
儘管內心是如此悲傷。
壓抑不住這份悲傷，一如往常衝出家門去趕搭shuttle的我給在佛州念書的國中同學播了通電話。聊了一下他一個半小時之後的大考，也聊了一下昨晚自己在地鐵站前半小時的對話。刻意地提高了自己的聲調，也刻意地用玩笑的方式轉述昨晚的談話內容。最後在說了聲「謝謝你，我感覺好多了」或「祝你考試順利」等諸如此類的對話中結束通話。
儘管內心是如此悲傷。
一堂50分鐘的課不過是在自己的思緒與教授滔滔不絕談論現今中國種種社會問題的背景音樂之間遊走。努力寫著筆記的手不過是被強迫聽從大腦：「那是應該要做的！」的命令下的勞動實踐者。
儘管，內心依舊是如此悲傷。
當內心在無止盡地悲傷時，我們有沒有要求地球停止轉動、工作行程一時停擺、責任暫時擱下、自我批判或反省能力完全拋棄的權利？
(沉思)
沒有，沒有的。
因為這是一個不容許人不完美、不容許人在外顯露內心的孤寂、不安、悲傷或失望的地方。因為那是不夠堅強、不夠獨立、不夠 professional。
“How are you? How is it going?”
“Good, good … Things are going alright. What about you? What’s going on?”
“Not much … Very little … Just hanging in here.”
我們到底在幹嘛？
Just too busy being “good,” being "alright,” and “just hanging in here.”
所以踏出講堂，我繼續和學生們說話，告訴他們我歡迎他們在假期中和我 email，向我討論有關報告的事情。所以我帶上耳機，在趕往下一個會議的路上匆忙地行走。
又在會議上匆容地分享我所觀察到中國內地的種種教育問題，或是我們如何可以幫助學生們在最後一堂課上認知到目前中國各種的社會問題或也不過是任何一國家在邁向現代化的過程中無可避免的陣痛。
我到底在幹嘛？
如果人與人之間不懂得如何去珍惜對方、去尊重、去理解、去關心、去努力去愛對方的話 （如同上帝是如此把我們看做他最最珍貴的，最最值得去大愛的），這一切，究竟有何意義？
「地平線」這個詞是很小很小的時候有一天在和哥哥看機器貓小叮噹卡通時領悟到的。
「哥，什麼是“地平線”？」我問。
「嗯，就是有時候你坐在沙灘上看夕陽，最後太陽消失在遠方那一條線的背後的地方。」哥試著解釋。
「嗯 …」我那小小的腦袋還是不太懂他的意思。「可是，“地”不是在我們坐著的沙灘的腳邊嗎？為什麼“地”會是遠方那條看得到的線呢？」我仰著頭又問。
「哎，怎麼和你說呢 …」哥哥也開始歪著頭思考。
「啊，你看你看，就是那條線嘛！」突然，哥哥指著電視上小叮噹和他的同伴們唱著歌、拉著手、踏著整齊的步伐向遠方的夕陽邁進的畫面。
「看到那一條線沒有？看起來是一條線，可是當他們不停地向那個方向走的時候，到最後那條線不就變成他們腳下踏的土地嗎？」哥哥再解釋。
「噢 …」看到了我喜歡的小叮噹和他的同伴們那麼快樂地在行走的畫面，我突然懂了。
「換句話說 …“地平線”其實並不存在囉？只是看起來像一條線？」我說。
「嗯，是呀」哥哥鬆了口氣。感謝小叮噹，小妹妹好像懂了。
在這個當下，不知如何去形容內心深處那份悲傷的我，突然想起了小時候那段和哥哥的談話以及電視上小叮噹和他的同伴們唱著歌、拉著手、踏著整齊的步伐向遠方的地平線不斷前進的畫面。他們的歌不停地重複，那遙遠的地平線也不斷地得以伸展。
好似這永遠也止不住的悲傷。
梅ちゃん at 6:41:00 AM
Friday, December 15, 2006
A New Look!
A new look!舊學期・新面孔・a new horizon in view.
This is a season of maroon celebration ...
梅ちゃん at 6:20:00 AM
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Free Writing, 20 mins
I need to finish writing this blog in 20 mins. Let's see how far I can go.In one of my 9th-grade ESL classes one day, we did an exercise called free-writing. Mr. T passed out sheets of blank, loose-leaf papers and asked each of us to take one. Then, pulling out a time-watch, he set the watch to 20 mins and said: "From now on, for 30 mins, I want you to write down anything and everything that comes up to your mind. Don't worry about vocab, grammar, making sense or not, or even spelling. Just write, write, and write. Let your mind leads your pen and let yourself follow your thoughts."
Ready? Go.
Sitting here in a cafe that I come so often, 3 if not 4 if not 5 times a week, my friend YC is sitting right next to me. Before we sat down and had our conversation of the day, she stood up and gave me a warm massage. "You are good, so good," I said, amazed by the amount of power and strength that she put on my extremely tense shoulders.
"Could you please relax, May-yi? When was the last time you relaxed? I put my hands on you for a sec and then you tensed up again. This is frustrating to the massager, you know?" She rebuked me.
I was just afraid that people in the cafe might think of us as ... you know.
But who cares? She's one of my dear sisters and friends in the city. We save each other - often - from the darkest pits in life. She's someone I could just call up and say, hey, I need to talk, I need to sit down and share a cup of coffee with someon. I need to process and would you let me process?
Even though most of the time we sit around and lament over the chauvinistic male pigs that cover 90% of the lands of the earth. Or is it 90% of the male population? Can't figure out anymore. Either case, one of them may be true.
The rain has stopped but the little water pools here and there on the ground are now - reflected by the street lights besides - are glittering in such soft, gentle hue that I am reminded of the glittering of ocean waves at a beach, somewhere, unknown. Thailand? Florida? A postcard image? An impage merely existing in my head?
Or an image from a long beloved movie?
Can't remember either.
YC pointed out a few interesting blog sites online. This person is so-and-so and writes about this and that; that person studies bio but is interested in prose writing; this guy, interestingly, writes with such sophistication that sometimes he's mistaken to be a woman.
I briefly glanced at her recommended sites. Such creativy dabbling all over the place. We live in a day and age where people suddenly embrace such freedom of public sharing of the innermost privacy.
Although, at the end of the day, is that reality? Or virtual reality?
If one could true, which reality would I rather live in?
Which world?
Which continent?
Which city?
Which neighborhood?
Which language should I speak, who should I engage my life with, who - should I commit the rest of my life to - for better and for worse, through health and through sickness, till death do us apart?
No ideas, no answers, just increasingly nebulous thoughts. Too many choices end up paralyze all of us.
The woefulness of being a global citizen today. Sometimes, I wish life could be simpler.
Sometimes, I wish I could be a simple college student from TW, who - perhaps - had her very first dating relationship at the age of 19, where relatively more time in college life simply allows for a puppy-style of dating. You ride the bikes with your bf, you go to the dinning hall with him. Forget about this American-cool-style of "we don't date, we just hang out" mentality, and truly come to treasure and cherish each other.
It seems so simple, but isn't that what love is about? 朝朝夕夕又如何？兩人開心就好。Cut the intellectual crap or the evilness of over analyzation. Cut the maturity crap of needing to be considerate, independent, finding the ultimate security and satisfaction in God or what not. Just treasure and cherish each other, each moment, each minute, as if the first time falling in love with him.
Sometimes I also wish I could live in a place where people do speak 3 languages, travel to 5 continents, enjoy cuisines from all over the world and have had some kind of deep, cultural immersion process throughout childhood/upbringing years. People who know exactly what I'm talking about before my sentence is finished; people who know exactly how I feel when I sit in a cafe in Cambridge but miss the "plum-rain" season in Taipei, or the first snow in Japan, or the hot summer days of walking around Shanghai neighborhoods, observing the grandpas and grandmas chit-chattering the afternoons away. Sometimes I wish people could just read my mind and say, yes, I know what you mena and how you feel, 你辛苦了。Or to say, 讓我來吧，不用每件事都扛在自己肩上。
Even though I still stayed up late till 4:30 am last night to make all my travel plans for Christmas. Unfailingly, sometimes the more capable you are the more work you end up taking upon your shoulders.
Only if people could at least appreciate it.
Less than 2 weeks till Christmas, I feel like an orphan wandering in the streets of Cambridge. Don't tell me that it's too sad a portrayal to indulge myself in, because that is the reality. No family no closed one no one to lean upon. I do have a home, although my ability to reach home is, sadly, heavily restricted by the availability of Northwest, United, Cathay Pacific and Singapore Airlines' aircraft capacity. Haha, I wanna laugh - since when airline companies also dominate our ability to go home?
i thought the world is small.
Or since when have I exiled myself from the notion of home? Self-exile? Forced-upon exile? Or an exile that was chosen years ago w/o my personal knowledge or understanding of what that entails?
Exile? No, never would I have thought that that was what it is. "Embrace of another culture," "personal development," or "expansion of a new horizon"? That was what I was telling myself.
20 mins is coming to an end, and I need to close this very free and most random writing. I don't know how many thoughts will remain the min I post this page. But I shall not change it nor revise it nor revisit it.
These and these thoughts of mine - they belong to the 20 mins that had just past, forever, frozen in time.
梅ちゃん at 6:58:00 AM
Sea of Thoughts
"For all your activities and interactions, it doesn't seem that many people can actually touch the you that washes your pages with ultramarine and ocean-coloured thoughts."A quote from a friend's email to me today.
Throughout the years I've learned one thing - I could never expect people to.
I could only hope.
梅ちゃん at 2:39:00 AM
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Company
「今日、おいしいとんかつを食べに行きませんか？台湾で買って来たガイドブックの中でおすすめのお店があるんですが ... 関内駅の近く、明治時代（や大正時代?）からの古いとんかつ屋さんがあるみたい。一緒に食べに行きませんか？」YC approached me during lunch hours.「おいしいビールもあるよ！」YC added.
「行く行く! ああーとんかつか ... 楽しみに〜」I said.
ごめん、ラングウェッジセンターで日本語しか話せなかったの。
It must have been one of the afternoons towards the end of the week. Or at least one of the days when I'd finished my speech for the day and could somewhat slack off from hours of studying at Mos Burger in the evening.
2 days before the 隅田川花火大会.
5 pm, we took an easy stroll around the neighborhood of 関内 and at last located the restaurant. A tiny little shop tugged in between a few beer houses and pachinko parlors, those that boast flashy neon signs and absolutely unbearable noise and cigarette smell that flow out into the street whenever someone goes in or walks out of the parlor. A navy blue door curtain opened the way to a little wooden screen door, inviting us into a cozy little shop with a few customers starting their pre-dinner snacks in the corner. 「いらっしゃいませ〜」, the middle-aged woman welcomed us, leading our way to the counter in front of a wide, open kitchen.
「じゃ、これを二つ ... あと ...」YC pointed the signature dish on the menu and then glanced at me quickly, wondering if I'd like anything else.
「あと ... ビールを二つお願いしますー」I added, making a "V" sign to the lady.
We both laughed. Who cares about work tonight. The night is still very young.
Sometimes good conversations cannot take place without the company of good food and chilled beer. Summer time, I'd trade anything for the latter two.
Can't remember everything that we talked about that night, but a pervasive sense of past nostalgia and excitement towards the future flew in and out of the conversation. 「就把這個夏天當做是犒賞自己了辛苦三年的一個長假吧。每天吃好玩好去新的地方看新的事物。不要想太多。九月分還沒來嘛 ... 現在休息好了、當九月分來的時候自然就休息夠啦，right?」I think I told YC this, somewhere along those lines.
「還有，心煩就找我喝酒吧！這邊的酒這麼棒，不喝可惜」I added.
「ああー夏にやっぱりビールは最高だよね〜」At last I said, lamenting that the last sip in the glass had been taken.
Also hit the arcade center that night and did some little damage to our wallets. Then the night closed with silly trying and tasting of glittering lipsticks/eye shadows in a neighborhood drugstore.
「じゃね、また明日！スピーチ頑張ってね！」I said, waving her goodbye, taking a slow walk back home.
Most of the shops had by then closed except, again, a few pachinko parlors with blasting music that continued to hurt my eardrum as I walked by. I couldn't see the stars that night, but I could feel the warm, evening breeze brushing against my bare arms. For a moment I almost thought I could hear the sound of the waves from the bay just a few miles away.
「好像放了一個好長好長的假」，I said to YC tonight, staring at the empty glass of margarita in front of me, . 「從那天我們去吃とんかつ的晚上到現在。」
「長假？可是 ... 發生了好多事情，把自己弄的好累 ... 」YC said.
「嗯，課業上的長假吧。覺得自己花了一年 -- 真的是一整年 -- 去追求一個最後仍然沒有得到的東西。」I explained, playing with the empty glass in my hand.
「所以，或許長假即將結束了吧 ... 要開始好好用功囉！」I said, letting out a little sigh.
瀨名和小南的長假給了他們新生的力量。我的長假 -- 或許 -- 最終也還是有點什麼意義吧，雖然現在還看不是很清楚。
In memory of that beginning stage of this very long vacation.
As well as those carefree days in Yokohama that set the beginning of a very faithful friendship/companionship with YC.
梅ちゃん at 1:50:00 PM
Monday, December 11, 2006
走出劇院
剛從看了一場自己也參與其中的莫名其妙鬧劇中走出。女主角抓著男主角的肩頭，用力地搖晃著他：「為什麼？當初為何又要來找我？」，眼睛佈滿血絲。不知道是因為她已經很久沒有睡好了，還是因為眼淚掉的太多。
男主角側著頭看了看她，僅僅是淡淡的說：「我不覺得和妳在一起，我的人生有更加快樂 ... 我也不曉得這段感情給我帶來了什麼附加價值。」
等等，這是一場有關貨品交易與買賣的劇嗎？想拿節目單再次確認一下。
一下子，女主角鬆了手，頭垂的低低地。
「但是我一直都很努力。非常努力 ... 非常努力 ...」，她很想和他說。看了看他那無表情的臉，那屬於另一個她觸及不到的世界的臉，她選擇不語，安靜地踏出了咖啡館。時間是凌晨一點半。
那是當初他為她畫了一幅很美的未來畫的咖啡館。就在那小小的角落，小小的咖啡桌旁 --「讓我的行動來證明一切」-- 他很有自信的說，眼神閃閃發亮。
紅紅的幕簾放下來了。鬧劇結束。
走出劇院，抬頭看看天空，深深地吸了一口冷空氣。嗯，也還好，天還是有藍的時候，陽光也沒有就此消失 ...
儘管這幾天室外溫度達到零下幾度，也偶爾飄著細細的雪。
還有兩個星期就是Christmas了！一點計畫也沒有。真是笨呀，被一場鬧劇攪和的。
工作乎？跳上飛機去哪裡流浪乎？忍受２４小時的國際飛行回家乎？
為何家要在那麼遠的地方？說是說globalization，可是地球還是無比的大 ...
特別是寂寞的時候。
梅ちゃん at 5:52:00 AM
Saturday, December 09, 2006
里程碑
今天可以算是一個里程碑吧！跨出了第一小步，looking forward to more to come, even just an inch forward.
雖然周圍沒有一同慶祝的夥伴，but I thank God for all that's been showered upon me.
With much gratefulness ...
梅ちゃん at 4:05:00 PM
Friday, December 08, 2006
龍應台女士在哈佛演講之Q & A
(龍老師從哈佛匆匆地走了，可是對於其演講內容和當天Q&A的討論好像還在持續發燒中。以下是當天演講完自己紀錄有關Q&A的部分，供發燒人士參考。學生的報告終於改完了，或許該督促自己將當天看到、聽到的想法再整理整理 ...)上完課，匆匆又趕去龍應台女士的演講。內容精采、清晰、充分顯露龍女士一貫的銳利與敏銳度。有趣的是 Q & A 的部分。一如往常，中國大陸來的與會人士利用 Q & A 的時間先倡導一下台灣為中國領土之部分，地位同等甘肅、雲南、陜西等等之論述。呱啦呱啦地 ... 五分鐘已過。
"May you ask your question now?"，龍女士催問。
此人士仍想繼續其論述之第二大點。
"B/c there are other people who would like to ask questions, please state your question quickly," 主持人也忍不住的提醒。
"Ok ... My question is ... I notice that lately there seems to be a change of tone in your writing regarding what the concept of 'motherland' is. I'm wondering if you are still regarding China as your motherland or you've had a change of opinion now? ..."
Honestly, her question was much longer than stated above. The above statement is my own attempted paraphrase.
龍女士簡單地針對提問人士冗長的「評論」做了極簡單的答覆。一言以敝之：台灣人民﹣無論大陸官方立場如何﹣從來就不曾(以後也不會)將台灣看做僅僅是中國的一個省分。至於第二部分關於「祖國」的提問，龍女士的回答是再清楚不過的了：
"If you ask me whether or China is my 'motherland' or whether or not I've changed my view on this regard? I'd say - No, It isn't!
"'China' - to me - is my culture, my heritage, my ancestry. I love China for its culture and its language. So put in the cultural context, yes, China is and will always be my motherland. But if you define 'China' as a state, as the current PRC government, then I'd say - No, China isn't my motherland.
China - as a 'state' - has never been my motherland. I would never agree with a gov't that does not respect my basic human rights or uphold such rights of mine. With such a government I want to have nothing to do with it. So no, if 'China' is defined as a 'state', I'd say, no, it is not my motherland."
(Note: paraphrasing from mere memory)
我不曉得那位提問女士是否了解。
第三位的提問更加有意思。Again, rather than asking a question as the original purpose of a Q & A session is meant for, this fellow listener used this rare occasion to fully advocate his ideas that Ms. Long has been nothing but an irresponsible writer who - in front of the mainland Chinese writer - only accentuates the strengths and glorious sides of Taiwanese democracy but 'deliberately' hides or glosses over the numerous problems and ills of such an infantile democracy.
"So what is your question?" 龍女士又問。
"I guess my question is ... How could you, as a writer, not present the actual 'truth' to the readers and only present one side of the truth about democracy to the people?"
But his question doesn't end there. For another 3 minutes, he went on and talked about how Ms. Long's writing is irresponsible, one that only points out the ills or praises the strengths but offers no solution to how democracy could in fact 'fit' into the unique Chinese reality and so on.
"As a writer, my job is to point out what HAS NOT BEEN SEEN, not what has been seen. My job is to point out what has not been seen by the Chinese gov't - that democracy in Taiwan isn't a slogan, an ideological difference, but simply a very concrete WAY OF LIFE. As to how the Chinese gov't is going to take such opinion and implement it in its policy-making, that's the job of the politicians, not mine, as a writer," Ms. Long replied.
The person did not seem convinced. The remaining 5 mins of the Q & A session became more of a personal dialogue (or debate?) between the two.
"That is precisely my point - b/c it is your job 'to write' and Mr. Hu's job 'to govern,' when you govern a state and a vast country like China, you cannot simply look at the good ends of democracy ... What you need is audience, what politicians like Hu needs is 'votes'," the person continued.
"Mr. Hu needs votes?" Ms. Long cuts him off and asks.
全場哄堂大笑。
"My question is - if Mr. Hu isn't happy about my writing, why wouldn't he respond by writing me back? Why does he resort to closing down Freezing Point?" She asked.
"B/c ... B/c that would simply be impossible. He's the chairman who needs to govern the country. How could he possibly respond to every single writer?"
"Why is it impossible? Why is it possible for him to close down publications but impossible for him to respond to a writer?"
(Honestly, at this point, there's such much quick cross-firing from each side that it was even a bit hard to hear the exact words/phrasing of each).
"As a writer, my job is to write and to present a different opinion or voice not yet heard. As for how to actually implement a policy, that is Mr. Hu's job. More precisely, that's the job of his advisory board. As a writer, I do recognize that, the power of my pen remains limited." Ms. Long said, 為她今天的演講做一個總結。
我還是不曉得那位人士是否理解了龍女士的立場。雖然我相信他的立場龍女士一定懂，因為她在寫那篇文章前早已考量過如此的言論。在寫完之後也一定面對過如此的質疑，千百遍。
I do not doubt the sincerity of the person who raised his questions to Ms. Long. I also do not doubt that beyond his quick firing of comments and questions dressed up in such fluent British English or intellectual articulation is a sincere heart that wants the best of China - whether under the current system or under the so-called Taiwanese democratic experience. Perhaps underneath his facade of criticism is a heart that wants the greatest of peace, stability, and progressive development of China secured - the EXACT SAME THING that Ms. Long wants for as well. Perhaps underneath his seemingly righteous defense for the PRC gov't or Chairman Hu is an overwhelming sense of fear that democracy - when given to a populace of 1.3 billions of people who have never experienced it nor practiced it - would suddenly result in chaos, factionalism, sheer political struggles, or even something as catastrophic as any major social, political turmoil of the past century under the glorious names of "Cultural Revolution" or "The Great Leap Forward."
Even Liang Qichao thought that it was best for the Chinese to be run under autocracy or political tutelage before the people are mature enough to study the books of Rousseau or understand the spirit of Washington. And Liang had thought about it 100 years go.
I can understand where he is coming from. But I also agree with Ms. Long - it is not her job to think of the concrete ways through which how democracy may one day be practiced and enjoyed by Chinese people. Chairman Hu has a huge advisory board whose members are hired to do exactly that.
Otherwise, Ms. Long might as well abandon her penmanship and run for the next presidential election in Taiwan.
梅ちゃん at 7:20:00 AM
Thursday, December 07, 2006
In & Out of the Role
As a TF, I want my students to understand that Confucianism has undergone major changes and transformations and throughout century has been studied and used not only as a moral philosophy but a political one. As a TF, I want my students to understand that the notion of modernity is at times more blurred than expected, that a modern man like Xu Zhimo could divorce a woman who was 7-month into her pregnancy, whereas another modern man like Hu Shi would choose to stick with his rather bossy and country-side wife. As a TF, I also want my students to be amazed that Tang was the golden era of China - the quintessential model of pre-modern-day cosmopolitanism - to understand that the Yuan named itself after "yuan" for the meaning of "origin," to know that clashes of Eastern and Western civilization had already occurred in the 18th century except that the Europeans weren't strong enough to advance its imperialistic attempts, and to see that the KMT/CCP party structure wasn't all that different at the point of their formation.As a TF, I may even *hope* that one day, as a 40-something-year-old investment banker or the CEO of some multi-national cooperation based in the U.S., a student or two of mine would visit China and upon hearing some tour guide's introduction of 蘇堤春曉 in 杭州, he/she would suddenly cry out - "Oh, I remember this guy! He's the guy who opposed Wang Anshi's reform back in the Song Dynasty! And he wrote beautiful prose and poetry!"
Or for him/her to look at a Great Leap Forward poster and remember - "Now, this is the movement that caused the deaths of 10 million people in China, mostly peasants in the poor countryside."
Stepping out of my TF role, however, I CAN CARE LESS about whether or not they remember any of the things stated above. Not a thing.
Ok, maybe except remembering *vaguely* who Confucius or Dr. Sun Yat-sen is.
Stepping out of my TF role, what I really want is for my students to have a college education that not only teaches them knowledge about this world, equip them with critical and analytical thinking skills, train them to think outside the box, develop a genuine curiosity of the things unfamiliar if not unknown, but also to develop a sense of care for the well-being of each human soul and to cultivate further their compassion for those who are underserved and underprivileged.
Stepping out of my TF role, I also want them to see that learning how to write well could carry them very far, knowing how to speak articulately but not imposingly or overbearingly is crucial to human communication, and maturing in their understanding of and respect for other voices of dissidents may provide them the key to forgiveness or reconciliation in any arising conflicts in future.
Stepping gout of my TF role, I even desire more for them to continue to embrace their dreams, follow their hearts, and listen to the inner voices inside rather than what the world - or wall street - is telling them. I don't want them to be mere over-achievers who live in cloud 9 or under achievers who only care for the comfort in life. Nor do I want them to start feeling beaten up or weighed down by the insurmountable pressure from friends or competition among peers who have always been "the best" and "no. 1" and cannot imagine life lived otherwise.
Nor do I want them to joggle among 3+ extracurricular activities (plus playing for varsity baseball or writing for The Crimson) or live on sheer 3-4 hours a sleep a day. Even though, sigh, at times I wish that for myself too.
When I look back at my college years, I know that the greatest lessons learned are hardly the knowledge that I gained in class or the insights on Japanese lit/art that I diligently acquired - though those are precious and important too. Nor are the professors whom I respected the most those who gave the best lectures or acclaimed to be THE most influential masters of the field - though one of them indeed is all of the above.
Besides the 8 months of abroad time in Kyoto where the city, the host family, the challenge of learning a new language (and becoming comfortable with it), and the everyday-life immersion in art, aesthetic beauty, seasonal change, and relics of historical past accounted for THE heyday of my college career ... Yes, besides these things, what truly accounted for the highlight of my college experience was the time spent on working with a team of ppl under a common goal AND the time spent on meeting/interacting with professors who cared about the students not for their grades or knowledge or intellectual ability per se but for their qualities as mere human beings, energetic human beings, the young 20-yr-old, the crazy 20-year-old who are passionate yet a bit wild, a bit direction-less yet bold (or ignorant as some may say) enough keep dreaming for the great future.
Role model that is called. It was meeting those role models that made the part of the college experience forever memorable.
As a TF, I want to be that role model for my students. But stepping out of my TF role I want to be just the same to them. I want to be a role model not b/c I may boast the most amount of knowledge or interesting insights but simply b/c I care for them and want them to care for those around them as well.
And not only those who swim and float but those who sink as well. B/c unless they learn that, they are not going to learn to care for the more underprivileged out there in this world who are in desperate need of attention and love.
I'm not sure if Harvard is a place that doesn't really care if a student floats or sinks even though a student who transferred in from another school has readily told me so. But I want to make sure that I'm not going to be one of the contributors to such a reality if it indeed has been.
And I want them to know that - stepping out of Harvard Yard - they are very very good and have worked very very hard already. There's more to life beyond the Harvard Yard, if only they look closely.
梅ちゃん at 3:48:00 PM
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
懷念京都
掉落在二条城路旁的橘子。不記得八月天京都為何有橘子在賣。
銀閣寺邊不知名小店的和菓子。
三条或是四条中間某小路的某商店。
由關西機場回大阪的路上，在等南海線列車至なんば的列車平台。天氣是不真實的晴朗。
梅ちゃん at 6:26:00 AM
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
熬夜・初雪・A Writer's Responsibility・American BS
(This is meant to be posted last night after my very long ~ day ... Woe to Blogger's technical difficulty, I couldn't post it till now ...)First snow of the year in Boston. Would be a big stretch to call it "snow." More like sleet perhaps, esp. I virtually missed 99% of it while struggling to wake up after mere 4 hours of sleep and an allnighter at Lamont.
「這是我第一次看雪唷！」，帶著一位台灣來的長輩在校園裡閒晃的時候他如是說，隨及拿出他的數位相機為殘留在路邊面包車頂上的薄雪留影。
我打了個哈欠，搓了搓已經凍僵的手，心中只有一個念頭：管它是初雪薄雪殘雪 or what not；我，只想睡覺。
走到 lecture hall 和昨天一同奮戰的 TF JH 打了個招呼。"So what time did you stay until last night?" He asked. I think my sudden outburst of frustration at 9:30 pm startled him a bit. "3:45 am ... Gotta catch the last shuttle bus home. Worked on it for another hour and finally crashed."
JH 的眼睛睜的不能再大。
接著是比我更可憐的 JS 匆匆走進。我們以歡迎英雄式的眼光問候他。
"How is it going, J?" Head TF C asked.
Blank smile ... so typical of J. "I ... I feel like crap."
一陣爆笑。Poor guy, stayed up till 6:45 am. The email record testified to his heroic sacrifice. I thought grading 22 paper in one night was bad enough. Poor J, he got 32.
上完課，匆匆又趕去龍應台女士的演講。內容精采、清晰、充分顯露龍女士一貫的銳利與敏銳度。有趣的是 Q & A 的部分。一如往常，中國大陸來的與會人士利用 Q & A 的時間先倡導一下台灣為中國領土之部分，地位同等甘肅、雲南、陜西等等之論述。呱啦呱啦地 ... 五分鐘已過。
"May you ask your question now?"，龍女士催問。
此人士仍想繼續其論述之第二大點。
"B/c there are other people who would like to ask questions, please state your question quickly," 主持人也忍不住的提醒。
"Ok ... My question is ... I notice that lately there seems to be a change of tone in your writing regarding what the concept of 'motherland' is. I'm wondering if you are still regarding China as your motherland or you've had a change of opinion now? ..."
Honestly, her question was much longer than stated above. The above statement is my own attempted paraphrase.
龍女士簡單地針對提問人士冗長的「評論」做了極簡單的答覆。一言以敝之：台灣人民﹣無論大陸官方立場如何﹣從來就不曾(以後也不會)將台灣看做僅僅是中國的一個省分。至於第二部分關於「祖國」的提問，龍女士的回答是再清楚不過的了：
"If you ask me whether or China is my 'motherland' or whether or not I've changed my view on this regard? I'd say - No, It isn't!
"'China' - to me - is my culture, my heritage, my ancestry. I love China for its culture and its language. So put in the cultural context, yes, China is and will always be my motherland. But if you define 'China' as a state, as the current PRC government, then I'd say - No, China isn't my motherland.
China - as a 'state' - has never been my motherland. I would never agree with a gov't that does not respect my basic human rights or uphold such rights of mine. With such a government I want to have nothing to do with it. So no, if 'China' is defined as a 'state', I'd say, no, it is not my motherland."
(Note: paraphrasing from mere memory)
我不曉得那位提問女士是否了解。
第三位的提問更加有意思。Again, rather than asking a question as the original purpose of a Q & A session is meant for, this fellow listener used this rare occasion to fully advocate his ideas that Ms. Long has been nothing but an irresponsible writer who - in front of the mainland Chinese writer - only accentuates the strengths and glorious sides of Taiwanese democracy but 'deliberately' hides or glosses over the numerous problems and ills of such an infantile democracy.
"So what is your question?" 龍女士又問。
"I guess my question is ... How could you, as a writer, not present the actual 'truth' to the readers and only present one side of the truth about democracy to the people?"
But his question doesn't end there. For another 3 minutes, he went on and talked about how Ms. Long's writing is irresponsible, one that only points out the ills or praises the strengths but offers no solution to how democracy could in fact 'fit' into the unique Chinese reality and so on.
"As a writer, my job is to point out what HAS NOT BEEN SEEN, not what has been seen. My job is to point out what has not been seen by the Chinese gov't - that democracy in Taiwan isn't a slogan, an ideological difference, but simply a very concrete WAY OF LIFE. As to how the Chinese gov't is going to take such opinion and implement it in its policy-making, that's the job of the politicians, not mine, as a writer," Ms. Long replied.
The person did not seem convinced. The remaining 5 mins of the Q & A session became more of a personal dialogue (or debate?) between the two.
"That is precisely my point - b/c it is your job 'to write' and Mr. Hu's job 'to govern,' when you govern a state and a vast country like China, you cannot simply look at the good ends of democracy ... What you need is audience, what politicians like Hu needs is 'votes'," the person continued.
"Mr. Hu needs votes?" Ms. Long cuts him off and asks.
全場哄堂大笑。
"My question is - if Mr. Hu isn't happy about my writing, why wouldn't he respond by writing me back? Why does he resort to closing down Freezing Point?" She asked.
"B/c ... B/c that would simply be impossible. He's the chairman who needs to govern the country. How could he possibly respond to every single writer?"
"Why is it impossible? Why is it possible for him to close down publications but impossible for him to respond to a writer?"
(Honestly, at this point, there's such much quick cross-firing from each side that it was even a bit hard to hear the exact words/phrasing of each).
"As a writer, my job is to write and to present a different opinion or voice not yet heard. As for how to actually implement a policy, that is Mr. Hu's job. More precisely, that's the job of his advisory board. As a writer, I do recognize that, the power of my pen remains limited." Ms. Long said, 為她今天的演講做一個總結。
我還是不曉得那位人士是否理解了龍女士的立場。雖然我相信他的立場龍女士一定懂，因為她在寫那篇文章前早已考量過如此的言論。在寫完之後也一定面對過如此的質疑，千百遍。
I do not doubt the sincerity of the person who raised his questions to Ms. Long. I also do not doubt that beyond his quick firing of comments and questions dressed up in such fluent British English or intellectual articulation is a sincere heart that wants the best of China - whether under the current system or under the so-called Taiwanese democratic experience. Perhaps underneath his facade of criticism is a heart that wants the greatest of peace, stability, and progressive development of China secured - the EXACT SAME THING that Ms. Long wants for as well. Perhaps underneath his seemingly righteous defense for the PRC gov't or Chairman Hu is an overwhelming sense of fear that democracy - when given to a populace of 1.3 billions of people who have never experienced it nor practiced it - would suddenly result in chaos, factionalism, sheer political struggles, or even something as catastrophic as any major social, political turmoil of the past century under the glorious names of "Cultural Revolution" or "The Great Leap Forward."
Even Liang Qichao thought that it was best for the Chinese to be run under autocracy or political tutelage before the people are mature enough to study the books of Rousseau or understand the spirit of Washington. And Liang had thought about it 100 years go.
I can understand where he is coming from. But I also agree with Ms. Long - it is not her job to think of the concrete ways through which how democracy may one day be practiced and enjoyed by Chinese people. Chairman Hu has a huge advisory board whose members are hired to do exactly that.
Otherwise, Ms. Long might as well abandon her penmanship and run for the next presidential election in Taiwan.
Stepping out of the talk, I went on with my day, fulfilling my role of being a petty TF at Harvard.
4 pm, my last section of the day. The topic of the day was on the history of KMT and CCP and the students were asked to present a 90-sec speech in the context of imaging themselves to be KMT/CCP members of the 1930s/40s and rallying for public support - both urban and rural. I gave students 7 minutes to prepare in group and then asked each one to stand up and deliver the speech in 90 secs.
Then was the turn for a student from Singapore who was trained in the British system and now getting her master's education in the U.S. She stood up, held her hastily written speech in slightly trembling hands, and said the following with a slightly blushed face:
"Oh gosh, 90 sec ... I'm really not into this American bullshit ..."
The entire class laughed and laughed and laughed. I laughed till my tears started to trickle down and stomach started hurting.
"Sorry about the American BS assignment. A disclaimer - I didn't write up the section assignment ... Although, sometimes, learning about American BS would certainly carry you far in this country ..." I said.
Or even other places?
梅ちゃん at 8:00:00 AM
Sunday, December 03, 2006
17・27
I met 龍應台 today.Yes, in person.
Even now, a few hours after coming home from my conversation with her (and a few other country fellows of mine), I'm still pretty shaken by the meeting and many of the points exchanged across the table.
In a good way, an extremely positive and uplifting way.
At the age of 17, I met 張戎・Jung Chang, the author of Wild Swans: Three Daughters of China・鴻﹣三代中國女人的故事. She used to be and still is one of my MAJOR role models in life, and meeting her at the age of 17 and having her write, "梅儀，願你不斷朝你的夢想前進 ..." (note: a major paraphrase; something along that line) on the inner cover of my book constituted one of the pinnacles of my life.
Tonight was another.
At 17 and at 27, I met two female role models whom I respect deeply and have long been aspired to become. 10 years have passed and I wonder how much closer I really am from my dream, my goal, my aspiration.
「27 歲的我，人生是否該有些改變？」
Yes, yet no.
Yes, 因為我要更加努力。這世界有太多急需關注的議題，有太多需要幫助的弱勢團體，有太多從未體驗過自由或每天一睜開眼就要不斷為根本生活需求（food, clean water, children's education, basic health care) 掙扎的人。我沒有偷懶或放棄或與現實妥協的權利，特別是當我不知道我的人生何時就會突然停止。
No，因為我不能因現實的種種壓力、聲音、或自我（或周遭人的）懷疑而改變甚或是放棄我的夢想。
「築夢踏實」。I can no longer remember when was the first time I heard this term or the origin of this term. But it does highlight the great contention between the two - 夢想與踏實之間的距離。
或者，應該說是兩者間不可分割的關係？
Trying to realize the dream through concrete, little steps, baby steps, and forwarding steps each day. Each day.
Even if it's only an inch forward.
梅ちゃん at 4:47:00 PM
Saturday, December 02, 2006
就一個「哎」字
又下雨了 ...5:11 pm. The sun has set (wait, I didn't see any sun today in fact) more than an hour ago, and rain has begun to pour since 3 pm. In a deserted cafe, I'm stuck with 20+ more mid-term papers to grade. The topic? "The changing composition of ruling elite throughout history" OR "The transformations of the centrality of Confucianism in Chinese history."
Boring.
And yes, it is Friday.
*Sob*
梅ちゃん at 7:11:00 AM
Friday, December 01, 2006
China Now, China Then
Do these sound like depictions of China/Chinese people today?-----
"Our character is that of clansmen rather than citizens. Chinese social organization is based on family and clan as the unit rather than on the individual, what is called 'regulating one's family before ruling the country.' ... [The West] developed the city system of self-gov't, while we developed a clan system of self-gov't ..."
"We have a village mentality and not a national mentality."
"Westerners work only 8 hrs a day and rest every Sunday. Chinese stores are open everyday from 7 in the morning to 11 or 12 at night, but though shopkeepers sit erect there all day, day in and day out, without rest, they still fail to get as rich as the Westerners."
"American schools average only 140 days of study a year, and 5 or 6 hrs every day. But for the same reason as before, Westerners' studies are superior to those of the Chinese."
"A small Chinese shop often employs several or more than a dozen people. In a Western shop, usually there are only one or two employees. It may be estimated that one of them does the same amount of work that it takes three of us to do. It is not that the Chinese are not diligent, they are simply not intelligent."
"When more than a hundred Chinese are gathered in one place ... there are bound to make 4 kinds of noise: the most frequent is coughing, next come yawning, sneezing, and blowing the nose ... In Oriental buses and trolleys there are always spittoons, and spitters are constantly making a mess ..."
"When Westerners walk, their bodies are erect and their heads up. We Chinese bow at one command, stoop at a second, and prostrate ourselves at a third ... When Westerners walk their steps are always hurried; one look and you know that the city is full of people with business to do ... The Chinese on the other hand walk leisurely and elegantly, full of pomp and ritual ... You can recognize a Chinese walking toward you on the street from a distance of several hundred feet, and not only from his short stature and yellow face."
(Now, probably 2 of my favorites ...)
"Westerners walk together like a formation of geese; Chinese are like scattered ducks."
"When Westerners speak, if they are addressing one person, then they speak so one person can hear; if addressing two people, they make two people hear ... The volume of their voices is adjusted appropriately. In China, if several people sit in a room to talk, they sound like thunder. If thousands are gathered in a lecture hall, the [speaker's] voice is like a mosquito."
(Lastly, on democracy ...)
"We can accept only despotism and cannot enjoy freedom ... With such countrymen, would it be possible to practice the election system? ... I have not observed the character of Chinese at home to be superior to those in San Francisco. On the contrary, I find their level of civilization far inferior to those in San Francisco ... Even if there are some Chinese superior ... their lack of qualification for enjoying freedom is just the same."
"Freedom, constitutionalism, and republicanism mean gov't by the majority, but the overwhelming majority of the Chinese people are like [those in San Francisco Chinatown]. If we were to adopt a democratic system of gov't now, it would be nothing less than committing national suicide. Freedom, constitutionalism, and republicanism would be like hempen clothes in winter or furs in summer; it is not that they are not beautiful, they are just not suitable for us ... To put it in a word, the Chinese people of today can only be governed autocratically; they cannot enjoy freedom ... I pray that our country can have a Guanzi, a Shang Yang, a Lycurgus, a Cromwell alive today to carry out harsh rule, and with iron and fire to forge and temper our countrymen for 20, 30, even 50 years. After that we can give them the books of Rousseau and tell them about the deeds of Washington."
-----
Words by Liang Qichao・梁啟超 - one of the major reformists who led the Hundred-day reform, which eventually failed terribly. All of the above were written in 1898, almost 110 years ago.
China now and China then. At times I just cannot see the difference, and the only thing that I can do is - laugh.
梅ちゃん at 3:30:00 PM
Blue
是天氣的關係嗎？為什麼大家心情都很低落？漫長的冬天才開始，我們要怎麼渡過？
梅ちゃん at 12:44:00 PM